Tom Talk

I've been saving up buckets of leeway for "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Light Skull." I'm enough of an Indy nerd that if I show up with criticism on my mind, I'll find plenty to hate. My only options are to skip this one completely or zero out my expectations and happily wolf down whatever I get.

Considering a Raiders clip popping up on Muppet Babies was once enough to bring joy to my heart, it shouldn't be too hard to satisfy me. But there are some scenarios that would burn through my leeway store pretty quickly.

Namely:

Indiana Jones and the CGI Shenanigans

I've read encouraging accounts of Ford and Spielberg slapping the computer out of Lucas' hands, but this being a Lucasfilm joint, there's a fair chance some "wizardry" will still creep in. Well-crafted, necessary special effects or crowd/building enhancement are fine and dandy. But I don't want to see anything that stands out as the product of ILM, Class of 2008

My biggest concern -- aside from a Jabba cameo -- is a flashback featuring a CGI 35-year-old Indy. The digitally spry Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen in "X-Men: The Last Stand" weren't as horrible a the zombified digital Orville Redenbacher, but youngifying technology has a long way to go yet.

I'd also be displeased if there were any reason for a scene with a younger Indy, such as...

Indiana Jones and the Past Twenty Years

I do not want to know all about what everybody's been up to since the Last Crusade. One of the most wonderful things about the series is the adventure serial sense that there are countless off-screen adventures, which are potentially even more awesome than what you're watching. And there's no reason to talk much about all the other adventures, because each could be some other movie. Temple of Doom occurs before Raiders, but you'd only know that by comparing the date captions. Each adventure stands alone.

Indiana Jones and the Famous Indiana Jones

I'd also hate to find out that in the past 20 years, Indy's adventures gained him fame beyond the tight-knit fortune-and-glory community. Mainly, I'm not interested in Indy grappling with his own legacy as a theme.

I know this one seems awfully specific. It only occurs to me because I imagine Spielberg, Lucas and Ford have wrestled with such things and might spew it all over the screen.

Indiana Jones and the Old Indiana Jones

For that matter, I'd rather no see Indy grapple with any sort of aging crisis at all.

I've been a staunch opponent of the "Harrison Ford is too old to play Indy" position. I never thought Indy was the sort of hero that needed to be any particular age. In fact, that's integral to the whole idea -- he gets by mainly on hard work and thinkin', not on youthful prowess.

So, I'd rather the movie didn't make a big deal about his old-manness, at least not to the point of it being a central theme. And I really wouldn't like the idea of the story being "one last adventure." To me, the potentially wonderful thing about the new Indy movie is the idea that the guy just keeps adventuring his whole life. This is a highly worthy theme.

And of course, taking the "one last adventure" notion to its furthest extent would realllly bug me, which is why I fear...

Indiana Jones and the Dead Indiana Jones

For one thing, 95-year-old Indy already showed up in The Young Indiana Jones Chronicles, so we nerds would never stand for 60-something Indy kicking the bucket. For another thing, that sort of plot turn would be counter to the whole spirit of the films. A series of continuing adventures shouldn't have a hard stop.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of In-Jokes and Anachronisms

One of the most infuriating things in the Phantom Menace -- on par with Jar Jar, even -- was the schticky Greg Proops two-headed pod race commentator monster thing. Specifically, this little jokey-joke: "I don't care what galaxy you're from, that's gotta hurt!"

So, the inhabitants of the StarWarsverse know that they're in a sci-fi series? And they use catch phrases that come from a long time in the future, in a galaxy far, far away?

Here's hoping the guys resist the opportunity to pander to casual fans with jokes from modern times, references to other Spielberg/Lucas/Ford projects or yuck-yucks about waiting a long time between adventures. That flies in Oceans 11 movies, but not here.

Indiana Jones and the Visit to Present Day

In the years leading up to the Star Wars prequels, I had a recurring nightmare that the new movie was all about Luke and the gang showing up in 1990s America, where hilarity ensued, Star-Trek-IV-style.

If aliens pick up Indy and drop him into a world of Starbucks and American Idol, I'm driving straight home for the torches and pitchforks and heading to San Francisco.

I know this is highly, highly unlikely. But there's just enough supernaturalness and Lucasness involved that I won't feel completely safe until the credits roll.

But all that far-fetched worry aside, I'm as giddy as can be. I want to see it opened as well as you. We are simply passing through history. This is history.

Do as you will.

What's holding you back from your dream job?
Submitted by Question of the Day.

Low midichlorian count

Who would you like to trade places with for one day and why? 
Submitted by Nathalie.

William Henry Gates III.

I would order my minions to make Microsoft Word good, then rewrite my will so all my money goes to an affable 30-year-old Atlantan, and then die.

Show us the best thing you've acquired from a pawn shop, garage sale or second hand store. 
Submitted by kamapuaa.

Nah... too easy.

Darwin fish: I believe in evolution, I'm not so crazy about creationism, and I enjoy snarkiness, so you might think I like Darwin fish. But the way I see it, Christians found a classy, non-judgmental way of expressing their beliefs, and then a bunch of wise-acres shat all over it. And then THAT kicked off an arms race that led to the truth-fish-eating-the-darwin-fish. That's on your head too, Darwin fish people. For shame.

Mo Rocca: Again, I enjoy snarkiness. I also like the Daily Show, those "I love the somethingr" VH1 shows and "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me." So you might think I revel in the wry commentary of Mo Rocca. But nay, for he is horrible and pretentious and a hack and not funny.

PETA: As a life-long goo-eater (grandma-in-law's term for vegetarian) and dog-rescuin fool, I am all for the the ethical treatment of animals. But I don't care for PETA, who's main goal seems to be to provide an easily hateable face for animal-lovin. You generally don't inspire change in people constantly pissing them off.

Other vegetarians: Good: skip the meat, offer a good example. Bad: lecture everybody in earshot about slaughterhouses, go back to eating meat by the time you graduate high school.

Animal-lovers: As in, people who say "I love all animals." Sure you do.

Metal Gear Solid: Don't get it.

Artists: I'm a big fan of cartoonists, illustrators, watercolor painters, etc. But capital-A Artists, the sort that are misunderstood, hair-obsessed and ironically dressed, give everybody else who makes art a bad name.  Same thing goes for Writers.

The Honeymooners: Cheers for classic comedy. Jeers for spouse-abusing depressive a-holes.

All in the Family: Ditto.

Sorbet: Hate is a strong word for this one, but by all rights, I should love it, and I don't.

Come to think of it, most of the people who'll read this know a lot of these already.

Anyway, tell me dear readers, what do you hate that I think you might like?

What movie cliché would you most like to live out in real life? 
Submitted by Wes.  

Training montages, of course: Decide to do/learn/become something, start music, and in 5-10 minutes, you're a winner! I would use and abuse that power all day long.

How often are you wrong?  Do you find it difficult to admit it when you are? 
Submitted by emily ann.

I'm frequently wrong, and I'll usually admit it. But then I'll go out of my way to explain exactly how and why I was wrong. Because while you may be right that I'm wrong, you're probably wrong about the exact way in which I was wrong. And you may not be aware of the extenuating circumstances that led me to be wrong, when my intentions were right. I just want to make sure everybody has the right idea about why I was wrong, that's all.

I'm a good person. 

Show us a minor indulgence.
Submitted by Elisheva Chana.

The Alf Planter

In 5 words or less, who are you? 
Submitted by dejablu503.

It's "5 words or fewer."

Show us something old school.
Submitted by eijsr.

The Alf Planter